It can be challenging to spot at first, but we eventually see the disconnection:
“I am not judging you… but what you did is unfair to me.”
“I’m not arguing with you, but our rule says… Even though we are responsible for what happened, that’s how it goes.”
“We don’t judge people… And what you did is terrible and we don’t ever want you to do that again.”
vs.
“I’m not judging you. I am just having a hard time processing what just happened.”
“I see a gap between what our rule says and what you need. Since we are responsible for the accident, let me see how I can help to address it.”
“We are having a hard time working this way. Would you be willing to share more and help us understand why this is the way to go?”
There is a difference between sneaky communication and layers of communication. Just because someone makes the claim ahead of time, it’s not permission to get off the hook.
Sneaky communication manipulates others for personal gain.
Layers of communication serve everyone.
